Princess in the Spotlight
Sunday, February 22, 2004
So guys, I know you are the only ones who read this, and I am really glad because you know that feeling when you just need to talk to someone, but you don't have the right person by your side. I am going to complain, and I hate doing that, I know you're surprised, but I have really changed my perspective on things this year. Anyways, I have all but stopped sleeping. I sleep very little, and it is getting out of control. But, I can't sleep more because I have the worst nightmares. But, these nightmares I can't remember, so it's not like I can wake up and reason them out of my head. I just have this dreadful feeling of loss, of heartache, and all I want to do it cry. I'm scared to do anything when I have this feeling, and I just can't describe how bad it hurts and how deep it reaches. Remember that week after September 11th, how I never slept, how I was such a wreck, I know you remember Kate. That is how I am all the time now. I don't go to sleep unless I am so tired that the moment I close my eyes, I am asleep. The minutes between closing my eyes and sleep are so long and miserable. Horrible things happen when I close my eyes. I don't know what to do. All I know is how miserable I am. My brother is so worried about how much I sleep, and that worries me, I mean it's Patrick. Others are worried too, but no one understands how miserable sleeping is for me. This morning I got into bed at one, and then, I read until I couldn't understand or remember any part of the book. Then, I kept reading until I couldn't keep my eyes open. That's when I knew I could sleep safely. Then, I woke up at 9:30. And, I really should have stayed awake then, I shouldn't have gone back to bed. My logic was that I would be so tired during the week if I didn't go to bed. So, I decided to sit in bed and read, doing the same thing I did the night before. I never got that tired though, so I decided to just close my eyes and try and sleep anyways. After awhile, I fell asleep. And, I woke up at 12:41. I had that feeling, that miserable, heart wrenching, aching, painful, distressing feeling. The one I was talking about earlier, where all I want to do is cry, it hurts to breathe, to move. I just don't want to be tired anymore, but I don't know if it is worth having that feeling all the time. I decided to go to bed every night this week at 11, that maybe, after a week, I'd be used to it, and able to go about my business, remaining positive with that feeling, or better yet, that it just wouldn't happen anymore. But, to be honest, I don't know if I can live like this, one day is killing me, I can't imagine a week of them. I just needed to talk to someone about it, but there are no someone's like you all here. I love you so much. Have a wonderful week. The next blog will be more exciting and upbeat I promise.
Song of the moment: Yesterday The Beatles
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
So, things are really dramatic here at the lovely United States Naval Academy.... I tell you we blame girls for causing all the problems of the world, but I'm starting to think that guys without female influence in four years go crazier than any average girl. But, that's just my opinion.... I'm not forcing it upon anyone.... It could just be that this is x week, time for six week exams. That definitely raises an issue, I mean honestly, who really cares about anyone else other than themselves during x week. Well, I am being sarcastic, of course I care, but I can understand why drama would arise in such an aptmosphere. To be honest, my roommate Andy and I have pulled three all nighters in less than a week... it is pretty wild. We need to work on this. I've had enough talking about this senseless drama for one day... so, let me tell you about my roommates. I have four of them, and they are all awesome. Natalie is crazy. She's a varsity Navy cheerleader, yes, we have those, and she is one of the nicest people you'll ever meet. She's very charismatic and is a people pleaser, in the best sense. She would do anything at anytime for me or any of us. Last night she got out of bed to help me with my homework. Andy... now, here's a character. To think it's 4:23 in the morning, and in an hour we will once again be headed to the pool for our post-all nighter swim lessons. She does know how to swim, I'm just teaching her to be a pro... getting technique down is key. She's great. Becky is a Napster... she is what we call our balance. She's the only one of us with any sort of sense. She's in bed around 10, and the last one up. I don't know how she does it, but I sure wish I had that ability to sleep. You guys would love them greatly... one day you'll have to meet them! :)
Song of the Morning Bob Marley's Three Little Birds
Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!
Monday, February 09, 2004
So, it is 1:51 am, and I am blogging, not working. I always secretly made fun of you crazy cats for your blogging passion, but now I see, it is quite a good excuse to not work, yet at the same time, you feel as though you are accomplishing something so important. I am writing a reaction paper for government on the death penalty... Chuck and Kate know I feel about that! But, I am going to go back and forth between this and that, and I am going to write about each of my dearest blogging buddies (yes, I'm taking Chuck's idea and more will come later).
Katie: There is no one who I can laugh with (or at) more than her. The first time I saw her, she was walking her hamsters, and her brother was pulling their little red wagon behind them. I was in third grade, and way to cool for school... Luckily, when I went to middle school, Katherine Lea Edinger was my best friend. She single handedly drug me through some of the hardest times of my life, even when I didn't want to talk to her becuase she was "too nice." She won me over to her hamster walking side pretty quickly, I can honestly say that though we have never walked a hamster, we have had milk lapping contests in memory of my cat, named ourselves after the beatles, had Mary-Kate and Ashley movie marathons, animated movie marathons, fallen in love with Lance Corporal Lieutenant, Sgt. Allen, Prince Harry, Prince William, and of course, Dimitri, the animated characted from Anastasia, we've planned secret road trips (that we've never taken), we have nine multiple personalities (at last count), we got lost in Birdseye-Bristow and ended up in at a one pump gas station called Possum Junction, we've been in a gas chamber, watched The Ring four times in theatres (twice on a school night!).... We are rebels... perfectly angelic rebels.... I love my Kate! You and I have memories longer than the road that stretches out ahead.
Brandon: Now, we have definitely had our ups and downs, but there are very few people in this world that have made me feel more appreciated than him. My first vivid memories of Brandon are from Washington D.C. in eigth grade. He was in my family group, therefore, my brother. (Oh, I also remember when he and Katie dated...) Throughout high school we got so much closer, and he became one of my very best friends. He was the guy I would randomly call and make plans with, then he would tell me how much work he had to do, yet, I always won him over, and we had the best time! Brandon is the one person who can never say the right thing at the right time, and manage to completely tick me off, but no matter what, in the end I love him more than anything. After all, we did play Ce-Ce, My Playmate, all the way back from West Virginia last year, and my ring is still bent from it! And, my mom loves him and Chuck more than me.... And I guess that's why they call it the blues Time on my hands could be time spent with you Laughing like children, living like lovers Rolling like thunder under the covers And I guess that's why they call it the blues
Chuck: I can talk with this guy for hours. The day before plebe summer I was on the phone with Chuck in the hotel, and I talked to him for hours. We talked about everything. He was just trying to relax me, to make me chill out and take it in stride. So, anyone who knows me knows that I always say "I'll be there in my heart." or "You'll be in my heart." And, Chuck said that to me, and just as I got off the phone, Phil Collins' "You'll be in My Heart" came on the radio. Once, I left my keys in the unit, so Chuck waited with me and we talked about our "water" for the longest time. On the way to Little Creek, and during the entire trip, we unsuccessfully planned our own deaths.... And, at prom, he didn't save me a dance, so the next morning in Ben's basement, during the Elton John party we danced to our song. There's a calm surrender to the rush of day When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
Ben: Now, here's a character. I just found out he pledged my dad and my grandpa's frat... how crazy is that. He might as well join the family! This guy can sit and have the most serious conversation with you, but he can also have the most fun. Just for him, I rode in his Jeep, with the top down... all the way to Churchill Downs, yes, even on the interstate, and you all know how I am about the safety of vehicles such as those. Ben is so considerate. He remembers the little things, that you think no one remembers, like your favorite blizzard, or how much you love dairy queen for that matter, your favorite race horse, your favorite college football team, your dad's frat, the name of your camera. When we are old, we are going to live in Shelbyville and teach American Studies together. He's teaching the history, and, just for him, I'm teaching the English. Our students are going to LOVE us! Just like an old friend Putting me on my feet again Giving me back my pride then
What would you think if I sang out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me?
Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song
And I'll try not to sing out of key
Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Sunday, February 08, 2004
Okay, Ben, Chuck, Brandon, and K, since this is mainly directed towards you, I must say that I am probably going to regret the day I made this lovely blog. After all, I now have something to work on when I don't want to do homework and that happens often... you all know me. So, today I was thinking back on the days that we used to hang together. We had such an amazing time, and I was looking at pictures from our times in the unit and everywhere. I couldn't help but be remided of the time that Brandon and I got into an argument. And, of course any one knows that Brandon and I never get into arguments. Well, this was the time during the last week of school. And, we went to the Chinese place to eat. Katie and I had driven together to graduation practice, and we listened to Levon on repeat. (It is a glorious song!) And, we get back to the high school. I am about to leave, when, Shannon steals my car and starts driving around the parking lot. And, you know what I realized, for the last time, we were all together in the parking lot of the unit, doing what we do best. Brandon and I arguing. Katie and Chuck fixing things. Shannon being crazy. Ben, Ryan, and Tony just taking everything in and making fun of things here and there. And, everyone else who just can't resist our company. I would never have thought that was my finite moment where I felt infinite, but as I look back. It must have been it. I just remember leaning against someone's car with a huge smile on my face, as Shannon drove around with Rocket Man as loud as my car would go, Brandon standing beside me, and everyone else just enjoying the company. Those are my friends, and that's why. You guys are the best. I love you!
Ah ha, so I couldn't get away from this lovely world of blogging much longer. My favorite boys have it, so, it is no surprise, that K and I were to jump on the band wagon. I suppose there are worse forms of peer pressure. Now, my purpose of this blog is going to be reminiscing, "going home," so to say. I highly recommend it.
(and, Brandon, I'm taking your idea...)
Song of the Day: Blackbird... you have to love the Beatles!
"Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly,
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise."